ok. i've been meaning to write about this for a little, but not. i kind of feel like i'm making a big deal out of something that maybe i should just brush off, but everytime i do it seems to come back to me.

mr V. at work. mr V. the asshole who keeps making sexual references everytime i talk to him on the phone. mr V. who likes to see me bent down in front of him. that guy. it started with him.

i think that up to recently i had convinced myself that i was not exactly vulnerable. that i could safetly walk down the street at anytime of the night or day and nothing would ever happen to me. i thought that because i was not attracted to men, they would also not be attracted to me. the thing is, though, that i've been feeling more girly these days. i've let my hair grow more than 1/2 inch and i've worn pastels to work (ok, light blue, but still!). traded cargo pants for something a little tamer. and all the while i've been feeling somewhat comfortable about it, which would not have been the case just a few years ago. anyways, all of that to say that i've noticed how i've been considered slightly differently. my dad, for one, doesn't complain about my attire and i get the odd comment every now and then on the street. and that did not used to bother me up til i met mr V.

his vulgar comments and his constant references to anything sexual disturbed me. i also know that he knows that. it's a little game of sorts. where i shut up and get embarassed and let him just say anything he pleases. because i'm not used to having to reply back.

i've noticed recently that i've been feeling less comfortable walking down the street late at night. granted, maybe it's just because i'm walking schweppes all the time now and i'm just faced with the situation more often. anyhow.

last night, walking schweppes this guy crossed the street and starting walking quickly behind me. he had his car keys out though he walked passed a good dozen of cars without stopping. my heart started racing. which is absolutely ridiculous, i know, because there was nothing extremely threatening, but i decided to turn around abruptly and head home.

and it's crazy because i've been feeling this bottled up anger. i've been feeling like i need to strike back.

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(there is a woman who lives on the street where i work. she does not seem to work - outside of home anyways - during the day. but she owns a porsche. the guys i work with have been making allusions to the fact that she probably is a prostitute.)

(all the while i'm thinking that if she were a man, no one would ever question how she got to own that car.)