the other day on the metro, i saw a guy wearing a button that said "are you free?" (etes-vous libres?). it's funny because i remember being quite ambivalent about how to answer that question then, but it think i am less so now. not that things have changed a great deal since then, but well, maybe my outlook on them has.

i've been in between three jobs now for the past month or so. gradually fazing out of the employment counselor deal, into a mix of sub-teaching and guided tours. i think the transience of this state makes me feel free. the fact that i get called or emailed on an ongoing basis and asked if i want to work that day or that day... and things really depend on what i want to do. not on what my boss wants me to do, not on what crazy thing my client might want me to do by this ridiculous deadline.

as silly as it is, i feel as though i am free when i am not taken for granted. i am free when y. and i chose to spend an evening together, not when we both expect each other to. i am free when i walk in a classroom full of kids and know that i wanted to be there, that i agreed to this.

i think the 9-to-5 grind makes me forget about the fact that i can make choices. everyone expects, and i do to, me to show up at 9 every morning. it would not even cross my mind not to. and by those means i forget that that was initially a conscious decision. i basically surrender the choice of what time i get up/commute/go to bed/eat/have fun with friends based on a decision that someone else made, about what regular working hours should be.

it's funny, i remember thinking in my communist-teenage-years about how work was essentially on contract between a boss and an employee that enabled people to buy/sell their time. mind you, i was working a data entry job then and derived little pleasure out of typing names and addresses of places i'd probably never even see. but when i think back on this, though, years later i still think their is some truth to it. truth to the fact that i can chose not to sell some of my time when what i get in return is not worth a sunny breezy spring afternoon.

i am handing in my resignation today. those who've been around in the past 3 years and over know how much i loved my job and really put my heart into it. lately, though, i've been experiencing little fractures of the soul and, well, morals which lead me to think that it was maybe time to move on. god, i only recently realized how i really am getting cynical about people and life in general.

the plan: get my teaching degree (and, mostly, licence!) and work as a teach/sub/tutor on the side. i need the energy and positive impact kids have on my life.

however, it does means that for the next few months it will have to be the uncertainty of having two jobs where i'm on call, which means i can either be overworked or ridiculously poor.

i know, though, that both my mind and my body need this break.

wow. it seems that life (or, well, my life anyways) goes from major f*ups to other moments where i really shine. luckly, i have great friends to make sure that things get right back on track in a matter of mere minutes. i am blessed.

we got flooded at work on friday and now there is an incredible stench coming from the basement. considering that that's where my office is located, i'm not too happy. my boss, when informed of the smell said "so what?" he eventually told me i could take vacations if i thought that the work environment was not suitable to me. i have, however, no vacations left unless i take an unpaid leave.

two hours into this, i feel like i might eventually throw up or get a headache.

like the club med ad says : imagine a week.

my uncle was retelling the story of coming out to his mother a couple of years ago. he had been with his partner for well over a decade, though he had never even mentioned his name. apparently, after my uncle finished telling her that he was gay and had just adopted a 17 month old girl from haiti, my grandmother (probably already in her mid-80s) looked at him and say : "well, that's a good idea!" my aunt even commented about how it seemed silly, in retrospect, to have kept that to himself all these years.

gosh, sometimes my dad's family surprises me.

---

we talked a little bit afterward about how she is doing in her "so-so" state of sanity. she's mostly happy, though, and thankfully forgets that she is 91 and spends most of her time in bed.

when i go visit her, she sometimes asks me if i've become a nurse. she knows who i am, but she thinks that i came to care for her, which i do, i suppose. she takes my hands between hers and warms them up. then apologizes for the fact that i have to brave the cold to come see her. i should tell her that these moments i spend with her truly warm my heart.

one of my workers came today and dropped an envelope off from me. it contained a magazine for the pentacoastal church with a hand written note wishing me a happy holiday season.

now, two things: either he...

- thinks i'm doing a good job and wants to show his appreciation
- believes i need to be saved


anyways, happy holidays!

ok, so the political-rant was probably way overdue, or not! but i've got one for you.

i've been donating money to greenpeace for the past couple of years. it actually started out of coincidence, but i eventually thought that it was a good idea to donate money for the environment despite the fact that i've not always been in agreement with greenpeace's policies. i mean, i honestly think that the greenpeace hardcore defenders tend to get a bit too extreme to prove their point and rely on tactics we usually condemn about, say, the Bush administration. their stand against Kimberley-Clark (the makers of well-know brand of tissue Kleenex), though valid up to a certain point, sounds way too Axis of Evil for me.

anyhow. i got a call yesterday, very similar to the one last year where i was asked to up my monthly donation by 2$ (which is really no biggie, when you think about it). in return for my contribution i was offered a free greenpeace t-shirt. okay, let's do the math:

2 $ x 12 months = 24 $
price of the t-shirt as advertised on the website : 25 $

i asked the man on the phone how it was that greenpeace could manage to give me a free t-shirt with such a small increase in my contribution. doesn't it defeat the purpose? i also asked him how could i trust that the people who made the shirt were paid a decent wage (e.g. fair-trade) when i was getting the thing for free? it seems a bit too good of a deal.

also, how can a serious organisation offer their members merchandise they don't really need when one of their priorities is to make us aware of how overconsumption is harming the environment?

needless to say, i did not get much in the way of answers. poor guy really, he was probably a volunteer!

but, i did a bit of research. did not find out much about the t-shirts, aside from the fact that some of their campaign have been done in partnership with t-shirt making company that claims to be fair-trade and organic. so that's good.

my reflexion is : cotton farming has disatrous effects on the environment, mostly because of the use of pesticides and other chemicals. organic cotton farming of course counters that problem. but, it still does not justify the fact that greenpeace openly encourages it's members to consume things they don't need / care for that has a detrimental effect on the land.

more t-shirts
= more tree cut down to create land on which to cultivate cotton
= more landfill when said t-shirt is worn-down or no longer in fashion.

an alternative could to part of this problem could be to use recycle cotton? can that be done?

or, as a colleague of mine suggested, stop using kleenexes (as suggested in the Kleercut.net website) and use the t-shirt instead!

anyways, enough sillynest, i've been thinking since being prompted with the same offer last to actually donate my couple of bucks elsewhere. i'm still debating on the issue though and the more i'll read about the topic, hopefully, the more i'll be able to make up my mind about it.